Thursday, December 21, 2006

8 Types of Burning Man Attendees

I don't remember if I've written this post before, but I got a bunch of visits from some burners so here goes.
  1. Hippies
    Sad but true, there are a lot of hippies at burning man. They eat terrible vegan food, do a lot of yoga, and spin fire. The good news is that you can easily keep them away by cooking bacon in front of your camp.

  2. Yuppies
    Just like regular life, the hippies and yuppies travel together. This is because they are the exact same people, one group is just 10 years older. I actually prefer the yuppies, which I guess makes me a yuppie. They're less self-righteous that the hippies, and they have good cheese.

  3. Rednecks
    A lot of first-timers are surprised by the number of real live rednecks. They drive trucks, hunt, drink cheap beer, fight wars, and vote republican (though they still dislike Bush). They also have way more fun than anyone else. Plus they have really nice generators that they keep around in case they need to go off the grid for a few years. Try to get to know the rednecks.

  4. Software Engineers
    These guys (they are almost all guys, like the rednecks) do a few good things for burning man.
    1) They build all the cool techy stuff, like super LED flash walls and video feedback systems.
    2) They pay for everything with their fat technology salaries.
    I like these guys because I'm sorta one of them.

  5. Retirees
    Another underestimated group, these folks show up in their RV's and seem very prepared because they spend the whole year going from one event to the next, or hanging out in Slab City. They are generally great if you can get them drunk. A large subcategory of this group is the Shirtcockers.

  6. Frat Boys
    Frat boys are bad people who should be destroyed. My policy is to treat every frat boy as if he is a cop. We know you're a narc, narc.

  7. Fetishists
    These are seemingly normal people who usually keep their weird fetish private, but for one week a year they feel free to let it all hang out. I once saw a dude totally naked chained to a board next to the road with the words "caught masturbating" written on his chest in magic marker. He was having the time of his life. These people are great because they scare off the toursists

  8. Burners
    These are the people who make the event happen, and who live the lifestyle year round. They're easy to spot:
    1) They have a funny name, like Dookie or Bloody Knuckles.
    2) They seem to be doing exactly what they want to do.
I like to think that I'm at least half Burner, even though my name is just Jonathan and I have a steady software job. I honestly hope I'm more Yuppie than Hippie, which is pretty likely since I have a Schwab account. (And I opened it myself; a surprising number of dirty hippies have trust funds.) I'm not a Frat Boy or a Fetishist, unless snacks count as a fetish. I aspire to be a redneck retiree by Burning Man 25.


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